Bret McKenzie

Love letter to Bret

Courtney Kaminski from the Brock Press has an open love letter to Bret. I’m sure if Bret wasn’t happily engaged his interest would be piqued! I so know how she feels..

Dearest Bret,

You were in Lord of the Rings. Normally that would make me deny you as a possible future husband immediately. However, you are, as they say, the exception to the rule.

You are quite possibly the most sweet, lovable, charming, appealing, attractive, thoughtful, considerate, pleasant and adorable person that I have ever laid eyes on. Remember when you were dating that betch Coco (who was never good enough for you in the first place, but I’m not holding it against you since you are from New Zealand and you were clearly just lonely and looking for some companionship) and you wrote her a two hour song about all the nice, extravagant things you would do for her? But then Jemaine came in and talked you out of climbing the highest mountain and swallowing the longest sword for love? Well, I feel that our love, could be the kind of love that makes me want to swallow a katrillion swords all day long.

I love how manly you look when you wear those sweaters with drawings of wolves on them, sometimes a wolf howling at the moon, and sometimes, just a closeup of a wolf’s head. It really shows off your animalistic side. Also, since I am from the North, it reminds me of home a little bit.

I think it’s smart that you never want to have sex with girls when it really comes down to it, even though sometimes you seem like you want to when Jemaine is around and talking you into it. It makes me feel very good that when we do finally consummate our relationship, I have the security of knowing that you are not full of diseases that have been sexually transmitted. I was sort of worried about that since you are from a different continent, and I think that my immune system might not be able to handle foreign bacteria from your bodily fluid.

I also think that it’s good you won’t want to have sex since you and Jemaine share a bedroom and I’ve never had to share a room with anyone, so I would feel sort of weird having him watch us.

So I was thinking we could just spoon, and look at that purple wall beside your bed since purple is my favourite colour (which is probably fate) and then we could fall asleep and get up and not eat croissants for breakfast since we both don’t really like them. And then, maybe, you could play me a two hour love song, and we could talk about your latest project which would no doubt be just as genius as your hair-helmet.

I’m just saying … sometimes the universe sends you a message, and I think this time, it’s trying to tell us two things: The first is that being an actor in Lord of the Rings doesn’t always make you a horrible person. The second is that we’re pretty much perfect for each other.

From: Brock Press